雖然你可能不知道是什么讓一個(gè)人具有社交智商， 但你可能經(jīng)歷過(guò)這種社交音聾， 最好的情況下會(huì)讓你感到沮喪， 最壞的情況下會(huì)讓你感到身體不適。

禮貌是一種文化上的社交智力。 然而，傳統(tǒng)的“禮貌”似乎開(kāi)始失去吸引力， 它會(huì)讓人聯(lián)想到一種洗去個(gè)性， 采取更統(tǒng)一的行為的畫(huà)面。 雖然我們希望能夠以一種雙方都感到舒服的方式與人交往， 但我們不應(yīng)該為了禮貌的點(diǎn)頭或親切的微笑而犧牲真誠(chéng)的表達(dá)。 這兩者并不相互排斥。

具有社交智慧的人在任何特定時(shí)刻的思維和行為方式都超越了文化所能接受的范圍。他們以這樣一種方式運(yùn)作，他們能夠與他人溝通，讓他們感到輕松，而不犧牲他們是誰(shuí)，他們想說(shuō)什么。當(dāng)然，這是聯(lián)系的基礎(chǔ)，是我們的大腦連接欲望的基礎(chǔ)，也是我們個(gè)人繁榮的基礎(chǔ)。

以下是社交達(dá)人的核心特征:

01. 他們不會(huì)對(duì)與他們交談的人產(chǎn)生強(qiáng)烈的情緒反應(yīng)。

他們不會(huì)通過(guò)夸大自己的成就來(lái)引起敬畏的反應(yīng)， 也不會(huì)通過(guò)夸大自己的困難來(lái)引起同情的反應(yīng)。 這種情況通常發(fā)生在所討論的話(huà)題實(shí)際上不值得如此強(qiáng)烈的回應(yīng)時(shí)，因此會(huì)讓其他人感到不舒服，因?yàn)樗麄兏械綁毫?，不得不假裝情緒反應(yīng)。

02. 他們不絕對(duì)地談?wù)撊?、政治或思想?/span>

說(shuō)“這個(gè)想法是錯(cuò)誤的”是聽(tīng)起來(lái)愚蠢的最快方式。 (這個(gè)想法對(duì)你來(lái)說(shuō)可能是錯(cuò)誤的，但它的存在是因?yàn)樗鼘?duì)其他人來(lái)說(shuō)是正確的。) 聰明人會(huì)說(shuō): “我個(gè)人并不理解或同意這個(gè)觀點(diǎn)。”肯定地談?wù)撊魏我粋€(gè)人或想法，就是對(duì)存在于其中的多種觀點(diǎn)視而不見(jiàn)。這就是思想封閉和目光短淺的定義。

03. 他們不會(huì)立即否認(rèn)批評(píng)，也不會(huì)對(duì)批評(píng)產(chǎn)生強(qiáng)烈的情緒反應(yīng)，讓自己變得不可接近或不可改變。

一些最難相處的人是那些即使是最輕微的暗示他們的行為是有害的威脅，他們實(shí)際上最終對(duì)暗示的人生氣，使問(wèn)題更加嚴(yán)重。高社交能力的人在回應(yīng)批評(píng)之前會(huì)先傾聽(tīng)，沒(méi)有經(jīng)過(guò)深思熟慮的即時(shí)情緒反應(yīng)只是防御。

04. 他們不會(huì)把對(duì)某人的看法和他們的事實(shí)混為一談。

社交能力高的人不會(huì)說(shuō)“他是個(gè)混蛋”， 就好像這是事實(shí)一樣。 相反，他們說(shuō): “我和他有過(guò)一次不好的經(jīng)歷，讓我感到非常不舒服。”

05. 他們從不對(duì)他人的行為絕對(duì)概括。

他們不會(huì)用“你總是”或“你從不”來(lái)闡述觀點(diǎn)。 同樣，他們的論據(jù)也以“我感覺(jué)”而不是“你是”開(kāi)頭。 他們這樣做是因?yàn)檫x擇語(yǔ)言對(duì)別人沒(méi)有威脅的感覺(jué)是讓他們接受你觀點(diǎn)的最好方法，并真正創(chuàng)造對(duì)話(huà)，從而導(dǎo)致你想要的改變。

06. 他們說(shuō)話(huà)很精確。他們想說(shuō)什么就說(shuō)什么，不回避這個(gè)問(wèn)題。

他們說(shuō)話(huà)冷靜，簡(jiǎn)單，簡(jiǎn)潔，用心。 他們專(zhuān)注于交流，而不僅僅是接收他人的回應(yīng)。

07. 他們知道如何保持健康的距離。

換句話(huà)說(shuō)，他們知道世界不是圍著他們轉(zhuǎn)的。 他們能夠傾聽(tīng)別人，而不擔(dān)心他們所說(shuō)的任何話(huà)實(shí)際上是對(duì)他們的輕視。他們能夠脫離自己的預(yù)測(cè)，至少?lài)L試?yán)斫饬硪粋€(gè)人的觀點(diǎn)，而不認(rèn)為這與自己的觀點(diǎn)有關(guān)。

08. 他們不試圖說(shuō)別人的無(wú)知。

當(dāng)你指責(zé)某人犯錯(cuò)時(shí)，你通過(guò)加強(qiáng)他們的防御來(lái)關(guān)閉他們考慮另一個(gè)角度的大門(mén)。如果你首先確認(rèn)他們的立場(chǎng)(“這很有趣，我從來(lái)沒(méi)有這樣想過(guò)……”)，然后展示你自己的觀點(diǎn)(“我最近學(xué)到的是這個(gè)……”)，然后通過(guò)詢(xún)問(wèn)他們的意見(jiàn)讓他們知道他們?cè)趯?duì)話(huà)中仍然掌握著自己的力量(“你怎么看?”)，你讓他們參與到一場(chǎng)雙方都可以學(xué)習(xí)的對(duì)話(huà)中，而不是僅僅為反駁他們。

09. 他們認(rèn)可他人的感受。

確認(rèn)別人的感受就是接受他們的感受，而不是試圖用邏輯來(lái)否定、否認(rèn)或改變他們的想法。(例如: “我今天很難過(guò)。”“好吧，你不應(yīng)該這樣，你的生活很棒!”) 這里主要的誤解是，確認(rèn)感覺(jué)和確認(rèn)想法不是一回事。有很多想法不需要也不值得被驗(yàn)證，但每個(gè)人的感受都值得被看到、被認(rèn)可和被尊重。確認(rèn)某人的情緒就是確認(rèn)他們是誰(shuí)，即使你會(huì)做出不同的反應(yīng)。換句話(huà)說(shuō)，就是確認(rèn)某人是誰(shuí)，即使他們和你不同。

10. 他們認(rèn)識(shí)到他們的“影子自我”是他們對(duì)他人不滿(mǎn)的特征、行為和模式。

一個(gè)人仇恨被政客誤導(dǎo)可能是他們對(duì)自己不聰明或不合格的恐懼的投射。一個(gè)人對(duì)一個(gè)特別消極的朋友的強(qiáng)烈厭惡可能表明他自己傾向于給予別人生活中的權(quán)力。這并不總有一種明顯的關(guān)聯(lián)，但當(dāng)涉及到強(qiáng)烈的情感反應(yīng)時(shí)，它總是存在的。如果你真的不喜歡某件事，你可以簡(jiǎn)單地走開(kāi)。

11. 他們不和那些只想贏而不想學(xué)的人爭(zhēng)論。

當(dāng)人們開(kāi)始“強(qiáng)推”論點(diǎn)或訴諸劣質(zhì)的邏輯時(shí)， 你可以識(shí)別出這種情況，他們只是為了顯示他們占上風(fēng)。 社交能力高的人知道不是每個(gè)人都想要交流、學(xué)習(xí)、成長(zhǎng)或聯(lián)系，所以他們不會(huì)試圖強(qiáng)迫他們。

12. 他們傾聽(tīng)，而不回應(yīng)。

當(dāng)聽(tīng)別人說(shuō)話(huà)時(shí)，他們關(guān)注的是說(shuō)話(huà)的內(nèi)容，而不是他們將如何回應(yīng)。這也被稱(chēng)為“保持空間”的元實(shí)踐。

13. 他們不會(huì)在網(wǎng)上發(fā)布任何會(huì)讓他們不好意思給父母看、向孩子解釋或讓雇主發(fā)現(xiàn)的東西。

除了在某些時(shí)候，如果不是所有的事情都會(huì)發(fā)生， 發(fā)布任何你沒(méi)有信心支持的事情意味著你對(duì)自己不真誠(chéng)(你是真誠(chéng)的) 表現(xiàn)出你想要?jiǎng)e人認(rèn)可的那一部分)。

14. 他們不認(rèn)為自己能判斷什么是真實(shí)的。

他們不會(huì)說(shuō)，“你錯(cuò)了”; 他們說(shuō):“我認(rèn)為你錯(cuò)了?！?/span>

15. 他們不會(huì)“往井里下毒”，也不會(huì)用人身攻擊謬論來(lái)反駁一個(gè)觀點(diǎn)。

“投毒”是指某人攻擊某人的性格，以轉(zhuǎn)移注意力，使其偏離(可能非常有效的)觀點(diǎn)。例如，如果一個(gè)人每天吃三塊糖，他說(shuō): “孩子們，我不認(rèn)為孩子們每天吃太多糖是健康的?！?/span>一個(gè)社交高智商的人不會(huì)回答: “你說(shuō)什么?”他們可以從說(shuō)話(huà)的人身上看到這個(gè)陳述的目的。通常，最受問(wèn)題影響的人能夠說(shuō)出它的重要性(即使表面上看起來(lái)很虛偽)。

16. 他們最主要的關(guān)系是與自己的關(guān)系，他們不知疲倦地為此努力。  

社交高智商的人最主要的理解是，你與他人的關(guān)系是你與自己關(guān)系的延伸。

----選自布麗安娜·韋斯特<改變你的思維方式的101篇散文>

16 SIGNS of a SOCIALLY INTELLIGENT PERSON

While you may not know what makes someone socially intelligent, you have likely experienced the kind of social tone-deafness that leaves you feeling frustrated at best, and physically uncomfortable at worst.

Manners are cultural social intelligence. Yet it seems traditional “politeness” is beginning to lose its appeal—it can conjure images of washing out your personality in favor of more uniform behavior. While we want to be able to engage with people in a mutually comfortable way, we shouldn’t have to sacrifice genuine expression in favor of a polite nod or gracious smile. The two are not mutually exclusive.

People who are socially intelligent think and behave in a way that spans beyond what’s culturally acceptable at any given moment in time. They function in such a way that they are able to communicate with others and leave them feeling at ease without sacrificing who they are and what they want to say. This, of course, is the basis of connection, the thing on which our brains are wired to desire, and on which we personally thrive.

Here, the core traits of someone who is socially intelligent:

1. They do not try to elicit a strong emotional response from anyone they are holding a conversation with.

They don’t communicate in such a way that aggrandizes their accomplishments to incite a response of awe or exaggerates their hardships to incite a response of sympathy. This usually occurs when the topic in question is not actually deserving of such a strong response, and therefore makes others uncomfortable because they feel pressured to fake an emotional reaction.

2. They do not speak in definitives about people, politics, or ideas.

The fastest way to sound unintelligent is to say, “This idea is wrong.” (That idea may be wrong for you, but it exists because it is right to someone else.) Intelligent people say, “I don’t personally understand this idea or agree with it.” To speak definitively about any one person or idea is to be blind to the multitude of perspectives that exist on it. It is the definition of closed-minded and short-sightedness.

3. They don’t immediately deny criticism, or have such a strong emotional reaction to it that they become unapproachable or unchangeable.

Some of the most difficult people to be in relationships with are those who are so threatened by even the slightest suggestion that their behavior is hurtful that they actually end up getting angry at the person suggesting it, reinforcing the problem altogether. Socially intelligent people listen to criticism before they respond to it—an immediate emotional response without thoughtful consideration is just defensiveness.

4. They do not confuse their opinion of someone for being a fact about them.

Socially intelligent people do not say, “He’s a prick” as though it is fact. Instead, they say: “I had a negative experience with him where I felt very uncomfortable.”

5. They never overgeneralize other people through their behaviors.

They don’t use “you always” or “you never” to illustrate a point. Likewise, they root their arguments in statements that begin with “I feel” as opposed to “you are.” They do this because choosing language that feels unthreatening to someone is the best way to get them to open up to your perspective and actually create the dialogue that will lead to the change you desire.

6. They speak with precision.

They say what they intend to say without skirting around the issue. They speak calmly, simply, concisely, and mindfully. They focus on communicating something, not just receiving a response from others.

7. They know how to practice healthy disassociation.

In other words, they know that the world does not revolve around them. They are able to listen to someone without worrying that any given statement they make is actually a slight against them. They are able to disassociate from their own projections and at least try to understand another person’s perspective without assuming it has everything to do with their own.

8. They do not try to inform people of their ignorance.

When you accuse someone of being wrong, you close them off to considering another perspective by heightening their defenses. If you first validate their stance (“That’s interesting, I never thought of it that way…”) and then present your own opinion (“Something I recently learned is this…”) and then let them know that they still hold their own power in the conversation by asking their opinion (“What do you think about that?”), you open them up to engaging in a conversation where both of you can learn rather than just defend.

9. They validate other people’s feelings.

To validate someone else’s feelings is to accept that they feel the way they do without trying to use logic to dismiss or deny or change their minds. (For example: “I am sad today.” “Well, you shouldn’t be, your life is great!”) The main misunderstanding here is that validating feelings is not the same thing as validating ideas. There are many ideas that do not need or deserve to be validated, but everyone’s feelings deserve to be seen and acknowledged and respected. Validating someone’s emotions is validating who they really are, even if you would respond differently. So in other words, it is validating who someone is, even if they are different than you.

10. They recognize that their “shadow selves” are the traits, behaviors, and patterns that aggravate them about others.

One’s hatred of a misinformed politician could be a projection of their fear of being unintelligent or underqualified. One’s intense dislike for a particularly passive friend could be an identification of one’s own inclination to give others power in their life. It is not always an obvious connection, but when there is a strong emotional response involved, it is always there. If you genuinely disliked something, you would simply disengage with it.

11. They do not argue with people who only want to win, not learn.

You can identify that this is the case when people start “pulling” for arguments or resorting to shoddy logic only to seem as though they have an upper hand. Socially intelligent people know that not everybody wants to communicate, learn, grow or connect—and so they do not try to force them.

12. They listen to hear, not respond.

While listening to other people speak, they focus on what is being said, not how they are going to respond. This is also known as the meta practice of “holding space.”

13. They do not post anything online they would be embarrassed to show to a parent, explain to a child, or have an employer find.

Aside from the fact that at some point or another, one if not all of those things will come to pass, posting anything that you are not confident to support means you are not being genuine to yourself (you are behaving on behalf of the part of you that wants other people to validate it).

14. They do not consider themselves a judge of what’s true.

They don’t say, “you’re wrong”; they say, “I think you are wrong.”

15. They don’t “poison the well” or fall for ad hominem fallacy to disprove a point.

“Poisoning the well” is when someone attacks the character of a person so as to shift the attention away from the (possibly very valid) point being made. For example, if a person who eats three candy bars a day says: “I don’t think kids it’s healthy for children to eat too much candy each day,” a socially intelligent person wouldn’t respond, “Who are you to say?”; they would be able to see the statement objective from the person who is saying it. Usually, it is people who are most inflicted with an issue that are able to speak out on the importance of it (even if it seems hypocritical on the surface).

16. Their primary relationship is to themselves, and they work on it tirelessly.

The main thing socially intelligent people understand is that your relationship to everyone else is an extension of your relationship to yourself.