BRIAN REA

My boyfriend is a clumsy, lovable brute who once hiked from Mexico to Canada and breaks more things than he fixes. He fixes a lot. He’s smart but socially awkward, able to name obscure bones in the human body but unable to keep his foot out of his mouth — a grown man with perpetually scraped knees. I have no idea how he manages to injure himself so regularly. Maybe his skin is fragile.

我的男友是個(gè)笨拙、可愛的狂人。他曾搭車從墨西哥到了加拿大，弄壞的東西比修好的多。他修了很多東西。他很機(jī)靈但不善社交，能說出人體一些生僻的骨骼的名稱，卻無法讓自己遠(yuǎn)離麻煩——一個(gè)成年人，膝蓋上卻總有擦傷。我完全搞不清他怎么能這么經(jīng)常傷到自己。也許他皮太嫩了。

I had known him casually for a few years when I called one day to ask for help with an apparent rodent infestation; I had something living in my walls. It was a long shot, summoning an acquaintance for such a favor, but I felt overwhelmed and he seemed like the kind of guy who could handle it.

我之前跟他半生不熟認(rèn)識了有幾年了，直到有一天我打電話，請他幫忙處理嚴(yán)重的鼠患——我家墻里頭住著些什么東西。叫熟人來幫這樣的忙，也是希望渺茫，但我覺得招架不住了，他又看上去像是能對付這種問題的男人。

Twenty minutes later he appeared at my door in painting overalls and rain boots, carrying traps, gloves, a bucket and some jangly homemade contraption that kept undulating out of his backpack even as he stood still. A bead of sweat dropped from his disheveled hair into the crevice of an earnest grin. He reminded me of a Ghostbuster.

20分鐘后，他出現(xiàn)在了我家門口：穿著刷油漆的工裝，腳蹬雨靴，手里拿著老鼠夾、手套、一只桶，還有些叮叮作響的自制小裝置；即使他站著不動(dòng)，那些玩意也在不停地往他的雙肩包外震動(dòng)。一粒汗珠從他蓬亂的頭發(fā)上滾下，落入他裂開嘴角的真切笑容里。他讓我想起一個(gè)捉鬼敢死隊(duì)員。

I did not expect him to spend the night, but I was in the throes of third week pneumonia, and as my weary head nestled into the couch, I heard the rodent in the wall directly behind me, chewing. As the warmth drained from my body, I muscled open my eyes, scanning the room for my knight in shining armor.

我沒想過留他過夜，但我尚處于肺炎第三周的痛苦之中，并且當(dāng)我疲憊的頭蜷縮到沙發(fā)里時(shí)，我聽到有老鼠在正對著我身后的墻里吱吱作響。當(dāng)身體漸漸變冷，我努力睜開眼睛，環(huán)視房間，尋找穿著閃亮盔甲的我的騎士。

And there he was, balancing precariously on a chair like a circus elephant, using a fork to pry open a light fixture in the ceiling. He had my favorite hair brush in his hand, about to angle it into some unspeakable hole for non-grooming purposes. His methods were horrifying, but I was grateful for the help and the company. I didn’t ask him to leave.

而他就在那里，像馬戲團(tuán)的大象一樣小心翼翼地在一把椅子上保持著平衡，一邊用叉子撬開天花板上的燈具組件。他手里拿著我最心愛的梳子，就要把它伸進(jìn)某個(gè)說不出是什么的洞里，況且不是用于梳妝打扮。他的方法太過駭人，但我對他的幫助和陪伴很感激。我沒讓他離開。

The trap in the ceiling went off several times during the night, like a pistol fired in an empty chapel, the unholy racket magnified by the oddly magnificent acoustics. Each time, as I lurched forward out of my cough medicine stupor, I felt a warm, comforting hand on my arm.

夜間，天花板里面的鼠夾脫落了幾次，像一把手槍在空蕩蕩的教堂里走了火，可怕的喧鬧聲被一種奇異恢宏的傳音效果放大。每一次，我在服過咳嗽藥的昏沉中蹣跚向前時(shí)，我的手臂上都能感到一只溫暖的、給人以安慰的手。

“Don’t worry,” he would say. “Go back to sleep. I’ll take care of it.”

“別擔(dān)心，”他會(huì)說。“繼續(xù)睡吧。我來處理?！?/span>

Later, I would learn that taking care of it required just one utensil, the fork, which he would use to remove the dead mouse and then dip back into my organic peanut butter to apply more bait. Kitchen hygiene would become a regular topic of discussion in the months ahead.

后來，我了解到這個(gè)處理只需一樣工具——叉子，他會(huì)用它移走死老鼠，然后從我的有機(jī)花生醬里面再蘸一些，放上更多誘餌。接下來的幾個(gè)月，廚房衛(wèi)生會(huì)成為經(jīng)常性的討論話題。

When he cooks on my stove, he chucks aside the burners and chars directly on the gas, to obsidian and beyond, saying it reminds him of camping. One day, I heard what sounded like a murder and found him on the kitchen floor, ripping the handles off a perfectly good pot to “make it smaller.” When I mused about possibly getting rid of a chair, he grabbed it, bent it over his knee and snapped it in half.

在我的爐子上做飯時(shí)，他會(huì)把爐頭扔到一邊，直接在火上烤，烤成黑曜石色，再繼續(xù)烤，他說那讓他想到露營。有一天，我仿佛聽到一場謀殺正在進(jìn)行，然后發(fā)現(xiàn)他在廚房地板上，正在扯下一個(gè)好端端的鍋的把手，好讓它“變小點(diǎn)兒”。當(dāng)我琢磨著可能要扔掉一把椅子時(shí)，他一把拿過它，在膝蓋上折彎，把它掰成了兩半。

My genie suffers from a frustrating condition known as premature wish-granting. That, and a proclivity for collateral damage.

我的魔仆患有一種令人煩惱的病癥，叫作“過早承諾滿足愿望”。此外還有附帶傷害的傾向。

He shredded my broom trying to fish something out from under the refrigerator, put a hole in the wall going after a spider, mangled multiple appliances and hung ridiculously crooked curtain rods, twice. He’s a problem solver, not a perfectionist. My Ikea furniture projects made him livid. He would curse and flail and break at least one vital piece in a fit of rage, but he always managed to improvise and finish the job.

他把我的掃帚劈成了細(xì)條，只為把什么東西從冰箱底下鉤出來，為追蜘蛛在墻上戳了個(gè)洞，損壞了好幾臺電器，把彎曲到不成樣子的窗簾桿掛了上去——兩次。他是個(gè)問題解決者，不是完美主義者。我添置的宜家家具讓他惱怒不已。怒不可遏的時(shí)候，他會(huì)咒罵、摔打、弄壞至少一個(gè)重要的部件，但他總有辦法即興發(fā)揮，把它修好。

My darling is an open book, a straight shooter. He tried lying a few times about little things and gave himself away with an adorable cheeky-toothed grin, as if it was his first day of kindergarten. I never have to question his love, even in the worst of times.

我的寶貝是本攤開的書，直來直去。他會(huì)試著在小事上撒幾次謊，然后用一臉可愛、厚臉皮的咧嘴笑“現(xiàn)出原形”，就好像他第一天進(jìn)幼兒園一樣。即便最糟的時(shí)候，我也從無需質(zhì)疑他的愛。

He’s a prolific chef. Not everything tastes good, but he’s constantly placing giant, steaming bowls of food before me with all the charm and ambiguity of macaroni art. (“What did you make, honey? A smoky porridge? Oh, lasagna. Right. Yes. Of course.”)

他是個(gè)能折騰的廚子。雖不是每樣味道都好，但他時(shí)常會(huì)把大碗大碗熱氣騰騰的飯菜端到我面前，帶著通心粉藝術(shù)的魅力與困惑。（“你做了什么，親愛的？煙熏味的粥？噢，烤寬面條。是啊。當(dāng)然是這個(gè)?！保?/span>

They are gifts at the feet of the deity, treating me as if I am his goddess. In the beginning, we played our roles with a bit of tongue in cheek, but at some point the sheer make-believe wore thin, leaving just earnest adoration.

它們是擺在神腳下的獻(xiàn)禮，把我當(dāng)成他的女神對待。起初，我們有點(diǎn)戲謔地扮演著各自的角色，但在某一刻那種純粹的假裝變淡了，只留下真切的愛慕。

And I adore him. If I’m having a bad day I can just touch his warm skin and feel better. It’s some kind of heavenly temperature. He lets me rake his hair like a Zen garden, ad infinitum. With me, he’s infinitely patient.

我喜愛他。倘若一天過得不順，我可以撫摸他溫暖的皮膚，感覺就會(huì)好些。那是種舒服極了的溫度。他任我無限度地隨意撥弄他那禪景花園般的頭發(fā)。對我，他總是無比耐心。

He always has time for the scenic route. He took me to the forest to watch shooting stars, the desert to see the super bloom. We bicycled down thrilling back roads in the dead of night and walked the beach in the rain. He would lip sync through long country songs, two inches from my face, so he could cry through his favorite parts while holding my hand. Never mind that I was in the middle of brushing my teeth. The more I foamed at the mouth, the more he wanted to kiss it.

他總有空走風(fēng)景好的那條路。他曾帶我去森林里看流星雨，去沙漠看“超級綻放”。我們曾在夜深人靜之時(shí)，騎車走下令人膽戰(zhàn)心驚的鄉(xiāng)村小道，也曾在雨中漫步沙灘。他會(huì)對著口型唱完長長的鄉(xiāng)村歌曲——離我的臉兩英寸，以便在最愛的部分他能一直牽著我的手哭。他從不介意我正在刷牙。我嘴里的泡沫越多，他就越想親吻。

His solutions are simple but brilliant. If I am cranky at the end of a long day, he picks me up, plops me into bed, tucks me in and switches off the lights. Problem solved.

他的解決辦法簡單卻奇妙。如果我在漫長一天結(jié)束時(shí)煩躁不已，他會(huì)來接我，徑直把我送上床，被子蓋好，燈關(guān)掉。問題就此解決。

Still, other problems have lingered. There’s a fine line between opposites attract and intractable differences. We have a love story, but love isn’t enough for me, and I do feel uneasy admitting that.

但另一些問題卻長期擺脫不掉。異性相吸和難以控制的差異之間有著微妙的界限。我們之間有一個(gè)愛情故事，但愛情對我來說是不夠的，承認(rèn)這一點(diǎn)我也的確感到不安。

When I was younger, I believed the holy grail of romance was the birth of love. But now I have seen that love is the easy part; love will come again and again, as many times as you allow it. And then what? What about all the other details?

小時(shí)候我相信浪漫的圣杯是愛情的誕生。但如今我已懂得，愛情是其中容易的部分；愛情會(huì)一再到來，只要你允許，多少次都行。然后呢？所有其他細(xì)微之處呢？

We disagree on how to treat people, where to spend money, what it means to explore the world. I’m a low-key creature who burns sage and collects Craigslist art. He’s an eye-for-an-eye vigilante who keeps a gun. His logical mind is razor-keen; mine is more inclined to imagery and approximation. I think he would be an excellent father, but I can’t imagine us having children together. On the verge of 37, I do think about it.

在如何待人、怎樣花錢、探索世界意味著什么方面，我們都有分歧。我是個(gè)會(huì)燒鼠尾草、收藏克雷格列表(Craigslist)藝術(shù)品的低調(diào)動(dòng)物。他是個(gè)以眼還眼的持槍俠客。他的邏輯思維敏銳如刀，我的則偏形象化、不求精確。我想他會(huì)是個(gè)優(yōu)秀的父親，但我無法想象我們一起生個(gè)孩子。到快37的歲數(shù)，我的確會(huì)考慮這個(gè)。

I broke up with him on Labor Day, right before the full moon. I had woken up crying and realized after a few hours that I wouldn’t be able to stop until I let him go. When my gut takes over, I can turn into a beast. I knew I had to do this but didn’t know how.

勞動(dòng)節(jié)那天，滿月到來之前，我和他分手了。在那之前我哭著醒過來，幾小時(shí)后我意識到，除非我讓他走，否則我無法停止哭泣。當(dāng)我選擇憑本能行事時(shí)，我能變成一頭野獸。我知道我必須這么做，但不知道該怎么辦。

How do you break up with someone you like being around but don’t see a future with? I should add that, along with our other differences, he’s much older than I am. We don’t make sense, or at least I can’t make sense of us.

你怎么和一個(gè)你喜歡跟他在一起但看不到未來的人分手？我應(yīng)該補(bǔ)充一點(diǎn)，除了我們之間的其他差異，他還比我大得多。我們在一起說不通，至少我無法合理化。

At a loss for how to break up with him, I sought out instructions on wikiHow. I skimmed a few articles and caught the main points. Go to a private place in case he falls apart. Be honest and direct. Keep it brief. One woman says she bakes cookies for her soon-to-be-exes, the Betty Crocker kiss of death. I brought him sweet cherries and his contact lens solution.I did not tell him why I was coming to his house, but I think he knew. He had figured out early on that he couldn’t read my mind so he learned to read my heart instead. He set up two chairs facing each other and did this perfectly sweet thing where he holds my legs and gazes into my eyes. He listened for a long time before he broke.

我不知道該如何和他分手，于是就去wikiHow上查找說明。我瀏覽了幾篇文章，抓住了要點(diǎn)。去一個(gè)私密的地方，以防他崩潰。誠實(shí)且直接。保持簡潔。一位女士說，她為那些即將成為前男友的人烤餅干，那是貝蒂妙廚(Betty Crocker)的“死亡之吻”。我給他帶了甜櫻桃和他的隱形眼鏡護(hù)理液。我沒有告訴他我為什么要去他家，但我想他知道。他很早就發(fā)現(xiàn)他不能讀懂我的想法，所以他學(xué)會(huì)了讀懂我的心。他把兩把椅子面對面擺好，做了一件非?？蓯鄣氖虑?，他抓住我的腿，凝視著我的眼睛。他聽了很長時(shí)間才開口說話。

His first tear dropped like a pin. “Let’s go to Vegas and get married tonight,” he said. “I’ll drive all night and have you back by morning.”

他的第一滴眼淚像針一樣掉了下來?！拔覀兘裢砭腿ダ咕S加斯結(jié)婚吧，”他說?！拔視?huì)通宵開車，明早之前可以趕回來。”

I said: “Don’t hijack this conversation with a marriage proposal.”

我說：“不要用求婚來綁架這次談話。”

His leaden forearms were leaning into my car window when I backed out of his driveway. As I pushed them away, I felt the sublime warmth of his fragile skin seeping into my body.

當(dāng)我倒車離開他的車道時(shí)，他那沉重的前臂還靠在我的車窗上。當(dāng)我推開它們的時(shí)候，我感到他脆弱皮膚下絕對的溫暖滲透進(jìn)我的身體。

He must have sensed my uncertainty, because a few weeks later he showed up to plead his case. I told myself I would only allow him to stay for an hour, but we ended up in each other’s arms and I lost track of time. I still haven’t asked him to leave.

他一定覺察到了我的猶豫不定，因?yàn)閹字芎笏麃硐蛭谊愂鏊睦碛?。我告訴自己，我只允許他停留一個(gè)小時(shí)，但我們最終在擁抱在一起，我忘記了時(shí)間。我現(xiàn)在也還沒讓他離開。

Sometimes I wonder if relationships are like math problems: You add the pros, subtract the cons, run the numbers and round up to the nearest husband. I have never been good at math, but I keep puzzling over this equation, trying to reconcile whether love for us is greater than, or less than, doubt.

有時(shí)候，我想知道感情是否像數(shù)學(xué)問題：你把優(yōu)點(diǎn)加起來，減去缺點(diǎn)，計(jì)算一下數(shù)字，得出一個(gè)離你最近的丈夫。我從來都不擅長數(shù)學(xué)，但我一直在苦苦思索這個(gè)等式，試圖解決我們的愛是大于還是小于懷疑這個(gè)問題。