我們經(jīng)常聽到關(guān)于自愛很重要的言論。聽起來很對，是吧？但是什么才是真正的自愛呢？

For some people, self-love might mean taking a warm bath or pampering themselves with a massage or manicure, which might help us. Yet, the elusive self-love that we seek requires something deeper.

對于一些人來說，自愛就是泡個熱水澡或者做個按摩、做個美甲，這些可能會讓你自己心情舒暢。但是，我們所追求地自愛遠不止這些。

Self-love means finding peace within ourselves — resting comfortably within the depths of our being. We might find temporary respite by doing something to nurture ourselves. But a deeper inner peace requires cultivating a certain way of being with ourselves — a warm and nurturing attitude toward what we experience in life.

自愛是尋求內(nèi)心的平靜——我們內(nèi)心深處的坦然。偶爾犒賞下自己，我們可能會得到暫時的放松。但是獲得內(nèi)心深處的平靜需要培養(yǎng)一種特定的方式——對生活中發(fā)生的事情抱以溫和寬容的態(tài)度。

The suggestions that follow are derived from Focusing, developed by Dr. Eugene Gendlin. Sometimes called the Focusing Attitude, this is simply a way of being nonjudgmentally kind, present, and mindful toward whatever we happen to be experiencing.

如下建議都摘自于Eugene Gendlin博士的《聚焦》，有時也叫《聚焦姿態(tài)》，主要是講我們面對將要發(fā)生的事情，要保持無條件的善良。

Gendlin has stated, “The client’s attitudes and responses to the felt sense need to be those of a client-centered therapist.” In other words, we need to have empathy and unconditional positive regard for whatever we are experiencing inside.

Gendlin表示，“以客戶為中心的理療師才能理解客戶的態(tài)度和反應(yīng)。”也就是說，無論我們內(nèi)心怎么想，我們需要換位思考。

Being Gentle with Ourselves

溫柔地對待自己

It’s often easier to be kind and gentle toward others than toward ourselves. Judgmental voices from the past may have left a hidden residue of toxic shame, which blocks us from honoring — or even noticing– what we’re really feeling.

我們更易友好溫和地對待別人而非自己。過去批判的聲音依舊讓我們?nèi)缰卸景愀械叫呃?，以至于我們無法遵從，甚至是關(guān)注我們內(nèi)心的感受。

Being gentle with ourselves means being kind and friendly toward the feelings that arise within us. It is very human to feel sad, hurt, and afraid sometimes. It’s a sign of strength, not weakness, to become mindful of these feelings and allow a friendly space for them.

溫柔對待自己就意味著我們要友好地對待自己內(nèi)心的感受。有時感覺傷心、受傷或者害怕是很正常的。注意到這些感覺，并友好地對待它們，這種做法是力量的象征，而非懦弱的表現(xiàn)。

When challenging feelings come up for clients, I often ask, “Is it okay to be with that feeling right now? Can you be with it in a gentle, caring way?” I might help them find some distance from painful feelings so that they are not so overwhelmed by them.

當顧客感覺難受時，我通常會問，“你現(xiàn)在還好嗎？你能溫和地對待這種情緒嗎？”我會試圖讓他們遠離這種不好的情緒，這樣他們就不會被這些不好的情緒吞噬。

An attitude of gentleness toward feelings is one way to find some distance from them. We can “be with” our emotions rather than merge with them or be overwhelmed by them.

溫和對待這些情緒是相對遠離它們的一種方式。我們可以去消化這些情緒，而不是被不好的情緒淹沒。

Psychotherapist Laury Rappaport offers some gentle inquiries into our feelings in her book, Focusing-Oriented Art Therapy:

Can you be friendly with that (felt sense)

Can you say hello to that (felt sense) inside?

Imagine sitting down next to it…Can you keep it company much the way you would keep a vulnerable child company?

心理治療師Laury Rappaport在她的書《聚焦取向的藝術(shù)理療》中提出了一些關(guān)于情緒的問題：

• 你能友好地對待你的情緒嗎？

• 你能正視內(nèi)在的感受嗎？

• 設(shè)想你正坐在情緒的旁邊……你能像陪伴一個脆弱兒童一樣地去陪伴它嗎？

This gentle way of being with ourselves is an antidote to shame. Rather than battling ourselves or trying to fix or change ourselves. we find more inner peace by simply being with our experience as it unfolds.

溫和地對待自己可以消除羞恥，我們不應(yīng)該對抗自己，或者試圖改變自己。只需要正視呈現(xiàn)出的情緒，我們的內(nèi)心將會更加平和。

Allowing Our Experience to Be as it Is

When I invite clients to notice their feelings, they sometimes reply, “Why would I want to feel that?” I explain that when we push feelings away, they often come roaring back. Or they get acted out in ways that are destructive to ourselves or others, such as by drinking alcohol or through other ways of numbing out or transferring our pain to others (such as by raging or blaming).

當我請顧客注意他們自己的感受時，他們有時會問，“我為什么要去注意？”我解釋到，當我們趕走這些情緒時，它們往往來勢更猛?；蛘撸鼈儠詡ξ覀冏约夯蛩说姆绞奖憩F(xiàn)出來，例如酗酒、麻木、或者遷怒于別人（例如憤怒或者埋怨）。

Loving ourselves means allowing ourselves to experience our feelings just as they are. Often we push away unpleasant experiences and try to cling to pleasant ones. But as Buddhist psychology suggests, we create more suffering for ourselves when we try to cling to pleasant things and maintain an aversion toward painful feelings.

愛我們自己就是去正視自己的感受。通常，我們會趕走不好的情緒，試圖留住好的情緒。但是正如佛教心理學(xué)暗示的一樣，當我們試圖抓住快樂，一直厭惡痛苦，我們遭受的苦難會更多。

A subtle sense of fear and shame may prevent us from allowing our experience to have its life inside us. For example, if we feel (or show) sadness, hurt, or anxiety, we might think we’re weak; or perhaps we were given messages not to feel. We’re afraid that others might judge us.

恐懼和羞恥會阻止我們感受自己的內(nèi)心。例如，當我們感到傷心、受傷或者焦慮時，我們可能會覺得自己很軟弱；也許我們會暗示自己不要去想。我們害怕別人議論自己。

Embracing the Wisdom of Not-Knowing

擁抱未知的智慧

As we explore personal concerns, we might recognize that we’re not clear what we’re feeling. Our experience inside is often vague and fuzzy. If we can allow ourselves to pause and make room for ambiguity and patiently welcome our blurry, vague feelings, they may gradually come into clearer focus (thus the term “Focusing”).

當我們探索自我感覺時，我們可能會意識到，自己并不清楚自己的情緒。我們內(nèi)在的感覺是模糊不清的。如果我們暫停下來，為這些模糊不清的事情騰些空間，耐心地去探索那些模糊不清的感覺，它們編會逐漸清晰（因此叫做“聚焦”Focusing）。

For example, we might notice anger toward a partner, but something deeper might lurk below. We’re aware of the tip of the iceberg, but in order to see what lies beneath, we need to look more closely.

例如，我們可能會觀察到對方的憤怒，但是更深層次的情緒可能潛伏在下面。我們可以看到冰山的一角，但是為了看清下面，我們需要更近的觀察。

Our society values knowledge and decisiveness. But often we’re unclear about what we’re experiencing. Politicians who don’t mouth strong opinions about everything often are seen as wishy-washy. It actually takes strength and wisdom to say, “I’m not sure about that. Let me think about it.”

我們的社會重視知識和決策。但是通常我們不知道我們內(nèi)在的感受。那些對一切事情不能持有絕對觀點的人，通常會被認為優(yōu)柔寡斷。事實上，說出“我不確定，讓我想想”是需要力量和智慧的。

Conclusion

總結(jié)

Human feelings are gifts to be welcomed. But we need to find a way to be with them so that they become allies, not enemies. Emotions such as grief allow us to release pain so that we might move forward in our lives. Other feelings may be more fuzzy, such as a clutching in our stomach or a tightness around our chest. As we bring an attitude of gentleness toward it, we might begin to have a sense of how it relates to something important — perhaps how we’re not honoring ourselves or have a fear of looking foolish.

人類的情緒是天賜的禮物。但是我們需要找到和它們共處的方式，它們就會成為我們的盟友，而不是敵人。悲傷這樣的情緒能夠釋放我們的痛苦，這樣我們就能在生命中繼續(xù)前行。其他的情緒可能會更模糊不清，例如，肚子不適或胸口發(fā)緊。當我們溫和對待這種情緒，我們就能感覺到它是和什么重要的事情有關(guān)——也許是我們不重視自己的感受或者害怕自己看起來愚蠢。