7 Steps to Closure When a Friend Dumps You

          7種方法讓你應(yīng)對被朋友拋棄

By Therese J. Borchard

I think we’ve all been dissed by a friend at least once in our lifetime, right?

         我想我們的一生中至少會有一回會被朋友鄙視羞辱，對嗎？

Recently I’ve had two people remove me as a friend on Facebook. Like that feels good. Was it my annoying status updates? The singing video that I uploaded (“A Few of My Favorite Things” … check it out )? I know I was off-key. Oh, the picture of the old lady that I posted and said it was me. You are that old lady? Geez… Sorry.

       最近，我被兩個臉譜網(wǎng)上好友刪除了。喜愛總讓人感到愉快。是不是我的令人惱火的個人資料？是不是我上傳的歌曲視頻（《我最愛的事》...檢查下）？（這首是《音樂之聲》中的插曲-----譯者注）我知道我唱歌跑調(diào)。哦，是我貼出來說是我自己的那張熟女照片？你是那位年長的女士？唉......對不起。

Frankly I don’t know what’s worse: the e-mails and the phone calls that aren’t returned, or the letter (or really painful conversation) explaining why the friendship is toxic and needs to be terminated. It all feels the same: REJECTION. Like you’re back in the sixth grade again, with bad acne, and the boys want to date your pretty and popular twin sister (that’s when my self-esteem issues started).

       坦誠講，我不知道怎樣才是更糟：電郵、電話不回，信（或者說那些痛苦的對話）說明了這友誼是有毒的，需要終止。所有的感覺是：被拒絕。就好像你又回到了六年級，臉上長著痘痘，所有和男孩都想和你漂亮又受歡迎的胞妹約會（就是那時起我開始傷自尊了）。

At any rate, there are ways you can get closure even when you don’t know why you’ve been dumped. Here are a few I try (every time I’m removed from someone’s friend list on Facebook).

       無論如何，你有很多方法可以結(jié)束這些即使你自己也不明原因的被拋棄。下面是（每次我被臉譜網(wǎng)的好友刪除時）我試的一些方法。

1. Compose a good-bye letter.

        1.撰寫一封分手信

Of course, no one is going to read it. But that’s not the point. The exercise of writing it is astonishingly therapeutic. I’ve written many old boyfriends letters that I never sent, some family members, and my father after he died. I needed a way to communicate that was for purely selfish reasons. So that I could hear myself say good-bye to this person that I really liked, or loved, or enjoyed having as a Facebook friend.

       當(dāng)然，沒人會讀它。但是這不重要。寫信的過程有著驚人的放松作用。我寫了許多給前男友的信，給親戚家人的信，給去逝父親的信，但從沒發(fā)送。我需要一個自私的，可以溝通的方式。這樣，我可以聽到我自己對我喜歡或深愛的人說再見，或者享受作為一個網(wǎng)友曾經(jīng)擁有的美好。

2. Pluck out the feeling.

          2.鏟除壞情緒

Sometimes feelings need a little nudging in order for us to acknowledge and process them. It’s like they are seeds stuck in a shell, and we need to scoop them out in order to free them. Some helpful exercises for scooping out the seeds of rejection and sadness from a terminated friendship: looking through pictures of trips together or graduation from high school or college, listening to songs that trigger memories, or frequenting the coffee shop where you used to meet. They all help you to mourn an ending.

       有時情緒需要一點刺激才促使我們作出反映和處理它們。就像卡在殼里的種子，我們要鏟出它們從而釋放它們。一些有益的做法，可以鏟除結(jié)束友情后被拒和憂郁的情緒種子：翻看高中或大學(xué)時一起遠(yuǎn)足或畢業(yè)的照片，聽能喚起回憶的音樂，或光顧你們過去常去見面的咖啡廳。這些都能幫你向終結(jié)致哀。

3. Plan a ritual.

          3.設(shè)計一個儀式

I know this sounds voodoo-ish, actually that’s a step I’m getting to. But seriously, it’s not like you have a funeral to go to, or any way of moving through this in a symbolic way that can help you process your emotions. So you’re going have to create one … a ceremony of sorts.

      我知道這聽起來有點像巫術(shù)之類，實際上這是我正要實施的一個步驟。但是說真的，這并不像是去參加葬禮或是象征性的方法幫你調(diào)整情緒，渡過這些。所以，你要創(chuàng)造設(shè)計一個這類的儀式。

After it was clear to me that an old boyfriend in college was simply not into me, I took the beautiful poem that he wrote me to a cemetery on the campus of Saint Mary’s College. I knelt there, ripped up the poem, and threw the pieces of paper into the air, crying (really hard). The most amazing thing happened. It started snowing. Right at that very second. It was like the heavens heard my cry, and the angels were tearing up sheets of paper right along with me. You don’t need the snow to feel better, though. Just the ripping should move you to a better place.

       當(dāng)我很清楚一個大學(xué)時的前男友并不是很喜歡我，我把他寫給我的詩帶到了圣瑪麗學(xué)院的墓地里。我跪拜它，然后撕了它，把碎片灑向空中，大聲痛哭。最神奇的事情發(fā)生了。正在那時那刻，開始下雪了，這就像天堂聽到了我的哭聲，天使和我一起撕碎紙片。當(dāng)然，你不需要下雪來緩解情緒。是那些撕毀讓你感到舒服許多。

4. Fill the space with something new.

          4.把空白用新東西填滿

This is true for any loss. When I stopped drinking I had to come up with some sober activities ASAP. Ditto when I stopped smoking. And on down the addiction list … It always feels uncomfortable at first. That’s a good sign. It means you are processing emotions, which is part of closure. If it felt cozy, then I’d say you weren’t doing it right. But change can be fun and challenging at the same time. And you’re allowed to use four lettered words if you don’t like it at first, unless you’ve given those up too.

       這對任何失去都有用。當(dāng)我停止喝酒后，不得不盡快想出一些清醒的活動。當(dāng)我停止吸煙時同上。從嗜好表從上至下開始。一開始總是感到不舒服。這是個好兆頭。這說明你正在調(diào)整情緒，這是終結(jié)的一部分。如果你感到很愜意，那我告訴你，你做的不正確。但改變能同時帶來樂趣和挑戰(zhàn)。你現(xiàn)在可以允許自己說臟話，如果你開始不喜歡的話，除非你也已經(jīng)放棄了這些。

5. Get even.

         5.報復(fù)

Here’s where the voodoo comes in handy. Only kidding, of course, but I did tell Holly that if that bridesmaid/friend who dissed her (Holly) after the wedding comes begging for friendship later, when the chick is on husband number two, Holly has every right to dis her right back.

      這才是用得上的巫術(shù)。開玩笑，當(dāng)然，我告訴過霍莉，如果伴娘或朋友在她婚后嘲笑她祈求友情，當(dāng)這個家伙再結(jié)婚時，霍莉完全有權(quán)再嘲笑回去。（這段我理解的有點迷迷糊糊，請高人不吝賜教，謝謝~----譯者）

6. Make a plan.

6.做個計劃

I don’t really advise getting even, but I do recommend you think about what you might do if the friend comes begging back. Because it happens. Or you run into her at the bank or the grocery, and your mouth opens but no noise comes out. Best to have a script, to think it through: if this person wants into my life again, should I let her? That’s a hard one. Go back and view my video in order to answer that question. I ask myself this: Does the relationship empower me, or deflate me? Does this person build me up or tear me down? And can I be sincere–truly sincere–when I’m with her?

       我并不是真的建議報復(fù)，但我推薦你想想萬一朋友又回來怎么辦。因為這樣的事發(fā)生過?；蛘吣阍阢y行或雜貨店偶遇到她，你張嘴了卻沒發(fā)出聲來。最好是設(shè)計個劇本，想出個結(jié)局：如果這個人又想走入我的生活，我同意嗎？這是一個難題?；厝タ纯次业囊曨l才能回答這個問題。我問自己：這樣的友誼能讓我掌握自主權(quán)嗎，或者只能讓我泄氣？這個人是讓我更自信還是擊垮了我？我和她在一起能絕對的誠心誠意嗎？

7. Stay with the pain.

7.和痛苦呆在一起

You knew I was going here, because I always do. Back to Henri Nouwen’s words, about staying with the loneliness, about feeling it, not rushing into activity to skip over it … about going through it, not around it. He writes:

       你知道我現(xiàn)在的處境，因為我總是這樣?；氐胶嗬?盧云的話上，關(guān)于與寂寞為伴、關(guān)于感受孤寂，而不是急著動起來跳過它......關(guān)于渡過它，而不是圍繞它。他是這樣寫的：

It is not easy to stay with your loneliness. …. But when you can acknowledge your loneliness in a safe, contained place, you make your pain available for healing.

      與你的孤獨(dú)相處并不容易......但是當(dāng)你感知到你與孤獨(dú)處于一個安全的包容的位置時，你就可以從痛苦中恢復(fù)。

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