本文選自《新東方大愚文化》的博客，點(diǎn)擊查看博客原文

◎ By Andy Simmons 譯 / Norman Xin

講笑話，抖“包袱”，可不是個容易事兒：要么是說的人自顧自津津樂道，把聽的人繞得一頭霧水，莫名其妙；要么是聽的人一根筋尋根問底，把說的人逼得語無倫次，沒轍沒招。不信？瞧瞧下面這一家子，你就知道——笑話兒，能被毀到這個份兒上！

A classic joke goes like this: A nurse rushes into an exam room and says, “Doctor, doctor, there’s an invisible man in the waiting room.” The doctor says, “Tell him I can’t see him.”

Pretty simple, right?

Here’s how I tell it: “A nurse—her name is Joyce—feels a presence in the waiting room. She looks around but sees nothing. She jumps up from her desk, carefully replaces her chair, and runs down the lavender-hued hallway to the doctor’s office. She knocks on the door. No response. He’s not there. Where can he be? She continues down the hall, admiring a lithograph of an 18th-century Mississippi paddleboat along the way.” By this time, my audience has left, but I soldier on4). “She bursts into the exam room and says, 'Doctor, doctor!’ The doctor, I should mention, is a urologist with a degree from Ohio State, which is where my nephew …”

You get the idea. I’m an embellisher. I can’t leave a simple gag alone.

I’m not the only joke-challenged member of the family. My sister’s worse than I am. Her problem: She can’t remember them. “'A nurse rushes into an exam room and says…’ Uh, let me start all over again. 'A nurse rushes into a waiting…’ No, it’s not the waiting room. She just came from the waiting room. Let me start all over again. 'A doctor rushes into…’ No, wait…”

My uncle’s different. He’s guilty of taking a perfectly fine joke and selling it as the second coming of Oscar Wilde: “Okay, this is a good one. Ready? No, really, ready? Okay, fasten your seat belts. Ready? 'A nurse…’ Got it? A nurse? Okay, ready? 'A nurse rushes into an exam room and says, “Doctor, doctor, there’s an invisible man in the waiting room.”’ Now, this is where it gets funny. Ready?”

No one is ever ready, so they leave before he gets to the punch line.

My father’s on Wall Street, so he hears all the jokes before they hit the Web. And he lets you know he knows them all by telling you all of them. He also knows that most people don’t like jokes. So he slips them in under the radar: “I was chatting with Ben Bernanke the other day. You know Ben, don’t you? The Fed chief? Anyway, we were reviewing the Fed’s policy on long-term interest rates, and he told me it had evolved into its current iteration only after a nurse rushed into an exam room and said, 'Doctor, doctor, there’s…’ Hey, where are you going?”

My brother Mark understands that the secret to good joke telling is to know your audience. When he entertained my grandmother’s mah-jongg club one evening, he made it a point to adapt the joke to them: “A stacked nurse rushes into an exam room…”

No one in my family has ever finished this joke.

But as bad as it is not to be able to tell a joke, there’s something worse: not being able to listen to one. Take my cousin Mitch.

“Why couldn’t the doctor see him?” he asked.

“Because he’s invisible,” I said.

“Now, I didn’t get that. I thought the doctor couldn’t see him because he was with a patient.”

“Well, yeah, okay, but the fact that the guy was invisible…”

“Could the nurse see him?”

“No. She’s the one who said he was invisible…”

“How’d she know he was there?”

“Because he…”

“When you say he was invisible, does that mean his clothes were invisible too?” Here’s where I tried to walk away.

“Because if his clothes weren’t invisible,” Mitch said, stepping between me and the exit, “then the doctor could see him, right?”

“Yeah, but …”

“At least his clothes.”

“I guess…”

“Unless he was naked.”

“Okay, he was naked!”

“Why would he go to his doctor naked?”

Next time you see my family and someone is telling a joke, do yourself a favor: Make yourself invisible.

  一個經(jīng)典笑話是這樣講的：一個護(hù)士沖進(jìn)診療室喊道：“大夫，大夫，候診室里有一個隱形人。”醫(yī)生回答說：“你告訴他，我看不見他?！?

就這么簡單，對吧？

可我是這么講的：“一個護(hù)士，她叫喬伊斯，感覺到候診室里有個人。她四處張望，卻什么也沒看到。她從桌子旁跳開，小心把椅子放回原處，穿過淡紫色的 走廊跑到醫(yī)生辦公室。她敲了敲門。沒有應(yīng)答。他不在里面。他能去哪兒呢？她繼續(xù)在大廳里找，邊走邊欣賞一幅平版畫，畫的是18世紀(jì)密西西比河上的槳 船……”講到這兒時，我的聽眾已經(jīng)走掉了，可我卻還是硬著頭皮往下講：“她沖進(jìn)診療室大喊：‘大夫！大夫！’那個醫(yī)生，我得告訴你，是一個在俄亥俄州獲得 學(xué)位的泌尿科大夫，我的侄子就是在那里……”

你明白了吧。我這人特喜歡添油加醋，我不會放過任何插科打諢的機(jī)會。

我并不是我們家唯一不會講笑話的人。我姐姐比我更糟。她的問題是她根本記不住。“‘一個護(hù)士沖進(jìn)了診療室喊道……’，呃，我重新再來?！粋€護(hù)士沖進(jìn)候診……’，不不，不是候診室。她是剛從候診室過來的。還是讓我從頭開始吧?！粋€醫(yī)生沖進(jìn)……’不不，等一下……”

我叔叔的情況又有所不同。他的毛病是，一個很好笑的笑話，他一講起來，那架勢就跟自己是奧斯卡?王爾德再生一樣。“各位，這個笑話特別好笑?？梢蚤_ 始了嗎？不不，真的，可以開始了嗎？好的，系好安全帶。準(zhǔn)備好了嗎？‘一個護(hù)士……’你明白嗎？知道護(hù)士嗎？好的，我就要開始講了?！粋€護(hù)士沖進(jìn)了診療 室，喊道，“大夫，大夫，候診室里有一個隱形人?！薄牶昧税?，馬上就要到最搞笑的地方了。準(zhǔn)備好了嗎？”

沒有誰真的準(zhǔn)備好聽他的，他還沒來得及講到最好笑的地方，人家都走光了。

我爸爸在華爾街工作，所以那些笑話在網(wǎng)上流傳之前他就聽到了。為了讓你知道他什么笑話都聽過，他會把所有笑話都講給你聽。他也知道大部分人都不喜歡 笑話，所以他會先東拉西扯，然后冷不防地把笑話插進(jìn)來：“前幾天我在和本?伯南克聊天。本，你認(rèn)識他吧？就是那個美聯(lián)儲主任。不說他了，當(dāng)時我們正在大侃 美聯(lián)儲的長期利率政策，他告訴我利率變成現(xiàn)在這樣子，就是有一個護(hù)士沖進(jìn)診療室大喊：‘大夫，大夫，那里有個……’喂喂，你去哪兒？”

我弟弟馬克深知講笑話的秘訣在于了解你的聽眾。一天晚上，他想取悅我祖母的麻將俱樂部成員，于是專門對笑話進(jìn)行了改編，以適應(yīng)她們的口味：“一個身材婀娜多姿的護(hù)士沖進(jìn)了診療室……”

我們家就從來沒有一個人把這個笑話講完過。

不會講笑話當(dāng)然很糟，但還有比這更糟的：不會聽笑話。我表弟米奇就是這種人。

“醫(yī)生為什么看不見他呢？”他問。

“因?yàn)樗请[身的啊，”我說。

“這我就不明白了。我認(rèn)為醫(yī)生看不見他是因?yàn)樗诮o病人看病?！?/p>

“這個，是啊，不錯，可事實(shí)是這家伙是隱身的……”

“護(hù)士能看到他嗎？”

“看不見。其實(shí)就是護(hù)士說他隱身……”

“那她怎么知道他在那里呢？”

“因?yàn)樗?/p>

“你說他是隱身的，是說他的衣服也看不見嗎？”聽到這兒我就開始想走開了。

“因?yàn)槿绻囊路皇请[形的，”米奇邊說邊向前攔住了我的去路，“那么醫(yī)生也應(yīng)該能看到他，對不對？”

“對的，但是……”

“至少應(yīng)該能看到他的衣服?！?/p>

“我猜是……”

“除非他什么都沒穿?！?/p>

“好吧，他什么都沒穿！”

“他為什么什么都沒穿就去看醫(yī)生呢？”

下次你碰到我家人，不管他們誰在講笑話，一定要幫自己個忙：變成隱形人！