傾聽的技巧

提問：你是個(gè)善于傾聽的人嗎？

答案一：是

答案二：否

答案三：有時(shí)候是

上述問題的正確答案是：“三：有時(shí)候是”，這是我的答案，興許也是你的答案。

歷數(shù)身邊的朋友、同事和親戚，你肯定會(huì)毫不猶豫地從中挑選出一個(gè)甚至幾個(gè)不善傾聽的人。他們整天忙著自說自話、東奔西走或是其他事情。無論你是否喜歡，你可能早就對(duì)他們的這些缺點(diǎn)習(xí)以為常。假如這個(gè)人恰好又是你的老板，那你的運(yùn)氣可真夠差的！不過，你絕不是唯一的倒霉蛋兒。

同理，如果你使勁兒想想，肯定也能從認(rèn)識(shí)的人里找到好的聽眾。走運(yùn)的話，這個(gè)人可能是你的好友、至愛、搭檔或者良師。如果碰巧這個(gè)人是你的頂頭上司，那你簡直是幸運(yùn)透頂，不亞于中了六合彩。

太多的情況下，我們總是把善于傾聽的好處和實(shí)現(xiàn)極為特定的目標(biāo)直接掛鉤，比如對(duì)老板唯命是從（目的是獲得晉升機(jī)會(huì)等）、提高考試成績（以便考取名校）、完成分配的各項(xiàng)任務(wù)（比如及時(shí)做完家務(wù)，免遭長輩訓(xùn)斥）。

但我們低估了傾聽技巧的重要性，以及它潛在的適用范圍。我們誤以為傾聽是最基本的技能，我們?cè)缭谏蠈W(xué)期間就通過聽寫、背書、備考、輔導(dǎo)等方式熟練地掌握了它。

其實(shí)我們應(yīng)該為此感到臉紅。也應(yīng)該有人提早地教會(huì)我們，傾聽技巧是終生學(xué)習(xí)和進(jìn)步的核心，它與孜孜以求地提高語言能力和溝通技巧既有關(guān)聯(lián)，又相互獨(dú)立。

想想兩個(gè)人或兩個(gè)團(tuán)體由于不能做到彼此有效傾聽，曾經(jīng)導(dǎo)致過多少失敗、誤會(huì)、擰巴、碰撞、爭論還有分歧。但即便類似的結(jié)果比比皆是，我們依舊不會(huì)分析問題的根源，或?qū)で蟾倪M(jìn)的方式和步驟。

我們把學(xué)習(xí)傾聽的技巧等同于學(xué)走路或?qū)W騎車：以為一旦學(xué)會(huì)，就可以牢固掌握，就可以開始做下一件事情了。錯(cuò)！問題在于人種和語言的復(fù)雜性、多樣性及微妙性遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)超過了我們行走或行駛的道路情況。

事實(shí)上，差勁的傾聽能力往往會(huì)降低對(duì)話效率，姑且拋開這個(gè)不談，讓我們從積極的方面著想。假如我們能致力于將家庭或辦公對(duì)話中常見的誤會(huì)減少20--30%，就能提高效率，消除耗時(shí)耗力的重復(fù)和澄清，獲得良性共鳴。何樂而不為呢？！

假如我們醉心于減少20-30%的碳排放，為什么我們不能對(duì)降低同樣比例的“困惑”一視同仁呢？周遭的世界也會(huì)從中受益。

Listening Skills

Question: Are You a Good Listener?

Answer A: Yes

Answer B: No

Answer C: Sometimes

The correct answer to the above question, for you and for me, is:

"C: Sometimes."

If you think about your circle of friends, work associates and family members, you can almost certainly pick out one or more people among them who are generally not good listeners. They're too busy listening to themselves or rushing around impatiently, or whatever. You have probably become accustomed to their weakness in this respect, whether you like it or not. If this person happens to be your boss, you're in bad luck, but far from alone.

Equally, if you think hard, you can probably think of someone you know who is a very good listener. If you're fortunate, that person is a good friend, loved one, close colleague, or mentor. If that person is your boss, then it's equivalent to winning the Mark Six, and you are very lucky indeed.

All too often, we associate the benefits of good listening skills with achieving very specific outcomes, like following the boss's orders (aimed at getting a job promotion, etc.), getting a good test score (aimed at gaining admission to a good school), completing a list of assigned tasks (e.g. doing the household errands in a timely manner, aimed at avoiding harsh words from the higher authorities).

We tend to undervalue the importance of our listening skills as well as the scope of their potential application. We think of them as something pretty basic, which we mastered in our formal schooling, along with dictation, rote learning, studying for tests, obeying instructions, etc.

This is a shame. Someone should have taught us that listening skills should be the focus of ongoing, lifetime learning and development, related to but separate from the life-long quest to improve our language and communication skills.

Think about the number of failures, misunderstandings, screw-ups, flare-ups, arguments and disputes which occur because two people or groups didn't listen to each other effectively. We're surrounded by this kind of outcome yet, all too often, we don't analyze the root problem, or work on improvement steps.

We still tend to treat listening skills the way we treat learning to walk or learning to ride a bicycle: we think that once we've acquired them, we've got it; we're done, and ready to move on to the next thing. Wrong. The problem is that people and language are far more complex, varied and subtle than the roads and trails we travel on.

Apart from the fact that poor listening skills often erode effective dialogue between people, think about the upside potential. If we were able to consistently reduce routine misunderstandings in our conversations at home or at work by a factor of, say, 20-30%, there would be welcome dividends in efficiency, elimination of tiresome repetition and clarification, and just plain enhanced good vibes. What's not to like?!

If we're intrigued and enticed by cutting our carbon footprint by 20-30% or more, why not get equally focused on cutting our "confusion footprint" by a similar measure? The world around us would also benefit from this.

最能說的人往往是最糟糕的聽眾。我曾打斷過許多口若懸河的推銷員，問他們?yōu)槭裁床皇孪攘私馕业男枨螅臀鋽嗟叵蛭叶凳郛a(chǎn)品。直到現(xiàn)在，這仍然是一個(gè)常見的錯(cuò)誤。

有效傾聽不僅要依靠耳朵，還需要嘴巴的配合。提問之于傾聽，就如同陰陽的相伴相生。

我們大多數(shù)人都需要培養(yǎng)傾聽過程中的耐心。年紀(jì)越大，就越不容易做到這一點(diǎn)。因?yàn)槲覀兌甲哉J(rèn)為積累了豐富的經(jīng)驗(yàn)，有資格對(duì)各種問題指手畫腳，特別是替年輕人指點(diǎn)迷津，也不管人家是不是樂于請(qǐng)教。

如果有人向我們袒露心聲，我們就以為對(duì)方是在尋求建議。事實(shí)也許并非如此，他們需要的可能只是傾聽的耳朵和支持的微笑。這也是傾聽的難題之一——判斷講話者何時(shí)需要答復(fù)、建議、反饋，何時(shí)又只需要傾聽。為了做出判斷，我們有時(shí)需要發(fā)問，這也是傾聽的組成部分。

今天你還有什么事情要做？為什么不好好地聽某人說說話？如果有必要，問個(gè)問題，確保你明白對(duì)方講話的實(shí)質(zhì)。

這可能會(huì)對(duì)你——還有講話的人——有所幫助。

Often, the best talkers are the worst listeners. I have interrupted many glib, smooth-talking salespeople by asking how they could be so presumptuous as to try to sell me something without even asking about my needs. This is still a very common mistake.

Effective listening relies on the ears, in partnership with the mouth. Asking is to listening as yin is to yang.

Most of us need to develop our patience in the context of listening. The older we get the more challenging this is, because we tend to think that our great, deep body of experience entitles us to offer advice on a wide gamut of questions and issues, solicited or otherwise, especially to people younger than us.

If someone confides in us about something, we tend to assume they are seeking our advice. Maybe not. Maybe they just want a receptive ear and a supportive smile. That's part of the challenge of listening -- determining when the speaker wants a response, or advice, or feedback, and when they're just looking for a good listen. To figure that out, sometimes we need to ask, which is an integral part of the listening process.

What are you doing later today? Why not go out of your way to do a better job of listening to somebody? If needs be, raise your question to statement ratio, to ensure you get to the heart of what they are trying to say.

It just might do you -- and them -- some good.